Hillbilly Halloween

I was thinking the other day about what I should be on Halloween. I thought about dressing like a nerd, but that is problematic because people will make stupid comments like, “I didn’t notice you were in a costume, I thought you dressed like that everyday,” or “So, that is your costume? You look normal to me.” Then I thought about being a hillbilly. I could get some fake buckteeth or blacking out my teeth except one- the latter is more realistic. I could also talk so incomprehensible that not even an all-powerful being could understand.

This train of thought dropped me off at and interesting station. I started to think, “I wonder what hillbillies dress up as on Halloween. Do they dress up like city folk or yuppies? If they do, what do they use as there costume?”

I have made up a fictional hillbilly character to get some answers to these important questions. His name will be Cletus.

Cletus would start his costume by taking his annual shower and brushing his tooth. Next, he would shave by attaching leeches to his face and tearing them off one by one. Then he would use some deodorant that he borrowed from his redneck neighbor (rednecks are a little more civilized then hillbillies, but not by much). His shirt and pants will be the same ones he wore to his gator’s funeral. Besides, they are his only pair of clothing that is not flannel shirts and overalls.

To make his costume complete he would say special phrases like, “How is ya’ll portfolio,” or “I just went and got me a high-bread. It has one of those electric engines” and talk on his fake cell phone he wittled out of one of his pet logs.

No, maybe I don't want to be a hillbilly.


Just to clarify, Joe Dirt is a red neck and the other guy is a hillbilly.