Saturday, July 29, 2006
If every country were to let loose all their nukes, all that would be left is a world of post-apocalyptic freaks and mutants… AWESOME! If I survived this nuke war, I would be free to do some crazy stuff and I would take full advantage of that situation. After the mass destruction I would first find a supply of food. Next, I would find myself a sweet ride-- you know something spine-tingling-- like a 1976 Ford Pinto. The first thing to be done with this beauty on wheels is pull out the old 2.3L four-banger and wedge in a 351 Windsor. In addition to the engine, cannons and laser guns will be added for protection and awesomeness.
While traveling through a desert land, I would stumble across an old curmudgeon with the appearance of a crazy vagabond, but deep down he is an evil genius with a sick lab. Somehow, I would convince him to modify my body to allow anything I desired to be attached at my wrists. My first attachment would be super strength metal hands for tearing phone books in half (I have always wanted to do that), catching bullets, and throwing water balloons at incredible velocities. My second attachment would be a chainsaw just to scare the kids if there are any left. I can just see myself now, cruising down the dilapidated highway with my seat way back --rolling deep-- and my chainsaw hand hanging out the window. If I wanted to, I could make a hole in the roof with my chainsaw just for the convertible feeling. After departing the crazy’s lab, I would travel across the country looking for someone, anyone who survived. When I say anyone, I am not referring to the aforementioned freaks or mutants of whom I take great pride in incinerating with my cannons and laser guns. And just my luck I would come across a city of people that have all survived the nukes and have thronged to this land and made a new society.
Being a nuke war survivor, I would have developed an attitude of distrust, hence the armored Pinto and chainsaw hand. As I enter the city, the Pinto’s defense system would be set for kill. Just ahead is a city sign that reads, “Welcome to Mormonville, The Happiest Place on Earth, I so testify.” Well La De Freakin DA, the last surviving city is filled with Utards or in other words Latter-day Saints (Mormons). I just knew they were Mormons; even with my laser scopes aimed at their foreheads, they would still wave at me.
What happened to the thugs that would try to steal my car and I would have to blow off their arms with my shotgun attachment just to keep them away? Or the villain that would try to stab me and take my wallet and I would have to tear his head off with my man hands to show him I would not stand for such nonsense? Instead of the stabbing and killing I am use to, all I get from these Mormons is, “Come out to our progressive dinner and bring your barbeque attachment so we can grill up some burgers while you play Motel in the Fiddler on the Roof play” or “Hey, do you want to come to our Elder’s quorum pinewood derby activity? You could bring you sander attachment and we could make our cars together.” To that, I would be thinking sarcastically, “Gee that would be great, I could also bring my lemon juicer and we could make lemonade just after I grind your face off with it”.
Not seeing any reason to leave Mormonville, I would have to change my attitude from killing all the Mormons to grudgingly obliging all their annoying yet nice invitations. Instead of killing as I expected to do in my post-apocalyptic world, I would be grilling with my sweet barbeque attachment. Not letting my guard completely down I would always have Guido (my car) in kill mode just in case one of those shifty eyed Normans tries anything uncouth.
If I had to chose between The Rapture (see last post) and Armageddon, I would have to pick Armageddon for the sweet super strength hands used to tear phone books in half. I could also scare off the annoying neighbor kids with my chainsaw hand. Life would be good in Mormonville, oh yes, life would be good.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
If the world were to end today, I wonder if the Christian Rapture or the Secular Armageddon would be more interesting and fun. From what I understand, born-again Christians believe that when the Rapture happens, good people will instantly be poofed up into heaven. Those who don’t qualify for the poofing will stay on earth and be forced to watch episodes of Baywatch with just David Hasselhoff as every character—sorry Pamela Anderson lovers. Armageddon for my blog purposes is compared to the Mad Max post apocalyptic world. Basically, every man and woman for him or her self.
There are many different viewpoints about the Rapture I read about on wikipedia. One excerpt from wikipedia I found to be useful for my point goes like so:
The tribulation is the period of time when those on Earth who say that they want to live life on the Earth without God, get to actually try to do this - on their own without God. The fact that they were not "raptured" into Heaven to be with God during this time period, means that they chose to stay behind, since they could have voluntarily chosen to believe God and the Bible prior to the Rapture.
This excerpt brought up two questions for me, first what happens when all those “righteous,” people are taken up, and second what will those who are left behind think about being left behind.
I ask that question of what will happen to those taken up because it seems logical that people will be doing stuff at the time of the poofing. Let’s say I was a train engineer and my train was coming up on the next station. As I was putting on the brakes for the next stop… Poof! I am gone and there is no one to stop the train. All those poor gentiles left behind will be stuck on a run away train that will eventually run out of gas or off the track. I guess they could start to pray for help, but they will be getting a busy signal for the next couple of years.
On a side note, when we are poofed will our clothes go with us or will there be a pile left behind? I have always been told that you can’t take it with you when you die, so I guess we will be naked. I had better start working out so I don’t look so bad if I happen to be poofed.
I will throw in a few more what if’s just because I can. What if I was playing the best game of golf in my entire life and I was just about to putt in for an eagle at the 18th hole which was a par 5 and… Poof! There I am in heaven--completely naked-- and with no golf club in my hand. At that point, it would be less Rapture and more Crapture.
What if I am a secularist and was in the middle of getting one of the most poignant antidotes of my life and just as the answer was coming POOF! My antidoter is gone and I am left hanging for the rest of my godless life.
For the secularist being left behind, life may be just fine for this one point. They won’t have all those annoying Christians around telling them they are going to hell for not believing. I can just hear the non-believers now, “You must be born-again and give up you sins blah blah blah! Man I got tired of hearing that crap.”
I don’t know if I had a point with all this, but it sure was fun thinking about all the what if’s. If you happen to have any what if’s you would like to share, please do.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
28th Annual Mooning of Amtrak
2nd Annual Mooning of Metrolink
All Day Saturday, July 14, 2007, Laguna Niguel, (Orange County) California, U.S.A.
*Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ's)
1. Must I "moon", or can I just watch? No, You can watch.
2. Does It get hot here in July? Yes, mid-day it is usually about 95°F (35°C) and humid.
3. Should I bring food & drink? If you wish. Mugs Away Saloon will be serving cold beverages. An outdoor vendor will be grilling hamburgers for sale and another selling souvenier event T-shirts.
4. Is there room to park my car, motorcycle or motor home? By 10am you may have to walk a few blocks. After 5pm, the crowd & cars thins out.
5. Are pets O.K. to bring? Yes, you can bring your dog, cat, snake, parrot, or iguana. Don't forget water for them.
6. I'm overweight, in fact very obese, is it O.K. if I moon? Yes yes, please "moon" with us. We need people like you for the extra high intensity mooning you can provide.
7. Can I decorate my butt? Yes, that's O.K.
8. What happens in the saloon? There are two successive bands inside the Mugs Away Saloon from Noon till closing, which is about midnight.
9. Is Amtrak associated with this? NO, Amtrak has nothing to do with this "show" except operate the trains.
10. Can the physically handicapped get around this area? Yes, a wheel-chair should work just fine. There are no stairs to climb. Close-in car parking spots may be difficult to find.
How it started: To best answer the story of the birth of the Mooning tradition, refer to the Sunday July 11, 1999 edition of The Orange County (California) Register newspaper, and the article headlined as, "Full moon over Amtrak keeps Laguna Niguel tradition alive", as follows: Twenty years ago (1979), at The Mugs Away Saloon, a K.T.Smith told his buddies he'd buy a drink for all who would run outside to the rail road tracks and "moon" the next train, which many did. The mooning tradition has prevailed, but there is no longer a volunteer to buy free drinks for thousands of "Mooners".
*Info retrieved from moonamtrak.org
My filming skills suck, but I am sure you can figure out what is happening.