Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Traffic Appreciation Day

This time of year yields a feeling of gratitude and appreciation. What are we grateful for? That depends on a person’s environment. For those living in Seattle, a sunny day could harvest these feelings. For those alone, a friendly phone call from a good friend or relative. For me the thing I am most grateful for are the people who travel with me in traffic as I slowly chug away. You my allies on the asphalt, this post is for you.

To the one who thinks that changing lanes will get you to work faster I say, “Keep those blinkers going”. Changing lanes is the best thing for you. You look like you are going a million miles an hour while the rest of us wait patiently for the cars in front of us to make there minutely installment of a foots distance. Even though I catch up to you every five minutes in my slow lane, keep up the good lane changing. I appreciate you.

To those who like to drive and talk on their cell phones I say, “Keep up the jibber jabber”. Never in my life have I minded sharing lanes with you. Having half your car in my lane and the other half in your lane is a moment I cherish. Even though it looks like I am mad at you by making hand jesters. What I am really saying is you are number one. I appreciate you.

To those who eat, drive, and talk on their cell phone I say, “Isn’t that burger good”. What I would give to be on the other end of that phone call. Oh, the joy I would feel to hear you complain about how slow traffic is moving while you were smacking your lips with that burger. All the hate and war mongering in the world would dissipate if everybody in the world received one call like this. To you cell phone food jockey, I appreciate you.

But the thing I appreciate most of all is my scooter. What I meant earlier about slowly chug away is all the cars stopped as I slowly drive between them. As I am getting 80 mpg, all your cars are burning a gallon every five minutes. Scooter I appreciate you.

Happy Thanksgiving

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


For those of you who are itching to send me your e-mails about peeing your pants and want to be anonymous, but don't want me to see your e-mail address there is a solution. You can use an anonymous e-mail service. I have never used one, but I got a story from someone who has. One of the sites is www.AnonymousSpeech.com. I am sure there are others that work just fine if you look for them. Now you can be anonymous in every way.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Oops I Crapped My Pants

Banned Commercials - Oops I Crapped My Pants Diaper Commercial

Friday, November 03, 2006


Off the top of my head, I can think of five other stories of me peeing my pants or someone I know peeing their pants while I was there. I am starting a series of posts that deal with pants being peed and I want group participation. I want to hear your experiences with pants being peed. It can either be a story about you or someone you know. If it is about someone else, there is one requirement. You must have been present or near by when it happened. I want these stories to be personal. Submit your stories to freestuffs@sbcglobal.net. If I like what I read, I will post it on my blog. You can stay anonymous or I can give your name, whatever you want. I will continue to share my experiences as others start to write in. Thank you in advance for your experiences. I hope for this to be a fun time on this blog for all as we all share something we have in common. We have all peed our pants and don’t normally care to talk about it, until now.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

For those who want to be anonymous

For those of you who are itching to send me your e-mails about peeing your pants and want to be anonymous, but don't want me to see your e-mail address there is a solution. You can use an anonymous e-mail service. I have never used one, but I got a story from someone who has. One of the sites is www.AnonymousSpeech.com. I am sure there are others that work just fine if you look for them. Now you can be anonymous in every way. Also, please submit all stories by 10:60 or 11:00 pm NOV 10th. Thank you all.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

How I remembered to pick up packing tape

I few weeks ago I was sitting at a stop light waiting to make a left turn. While sitting on my scooter at this extremely long light (San Marcos Blvd and Rancho Santa Fe Rd for those who know San Marcos CA) I glanced over at a car to my left. It looked to me like there was a grandma with her grandchild in the car. The child looked to be about the age of my daughter who will be two in December. I started to think about how cute the kid was just sitting in that car seat with their limbs flaring. Then I thought how weird it would be if that was my kid in the car with that lady. I thought, “What if someone had kidnapped my kid and I was sitting on my scooter next to the person who did it? What would I do?” I would drop my kickstand, open the door, and jump in. I would do that in case the driver punched the gas in an attempt to get away. Then I would proceed to pummel the driver and take control of the car. I have a helmet on my head, so I would venture to say I would head butt the driver.

I then started to think about Rachel being taken and Jamie trying to contact me while I was in class or on my scooter. I mute my phone in class and there is no way I will hear my phone while riding. Then I thought about how I normally check my phone after class and how I did not do it today after I left class. What if Jamie did call me about someone taking my daughter and this was my daughter in the car next to me? That would be weird, so I moved up a few feet to see the kid. It wasn’t mine.

Then I changed my thought to other questions. What if Jamie called to see if I could pick up something on my way home? Then I remembered that I asked Jamie to leave me a message as a reminder to pick up some packing tape on my way home.

Oh, crap! I need to get some packing tape… Oh, crap! The light just turned green. Their happened to be an Albertson’s just 300 ft away. After making the turn, I pulled into the shopping center and got gas and packing tape.

It is funny that a thought about my daughter being kidnapped could lead me to remembering to pick up packing tape. I looked at my phone when I parked and there was the text message I asked for.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Scooter Vs Car

Back in 2000, I got my first real car. A real car- one that is purchased and paid for by the owner, not one received from parents or grandparents because it sucks. It was a 1996 Acura Integra SE. The SE model has an upgraded suspension, but not the top engine. I got it for a great price with all the modification I could ever ask for. It was lowered about an inch and had a catback exhaust system. There was a high flow intake system and a short throw shifter kit. In addition, I installed headers and an MSD ignition system.
This car was fun to drive. The exhaust was loud and the car seemed fast (it wasn’t really).

I drove that beast 50000 in the four years I owned it. In 2004, I sold my beloved car for a vehicle that was more economical; I got a scooter, a Yamaha Vino 125 to be exact. I purchased the scooter 26 months ago and it will have 9000 miles soon. The mileage may communicate that I don’t drive it much, but on the contrary, it is my primary mode of transportation.

Recently I have been thinking about the contrast between these vehicles and have wondered how much I have saved by owning the scooter. Therefore, I came up with this list of differences and some stat on cost.

Vehicle Passenger Capacity:
Integra: Four seats (comfortably with adults in the front seats)
Vino: Two passengers (one if you want to keep up the speed)

Top Speed-
Integra: 128 MPH (on the way to Vegas)
Vino: 55 (down hill with the help of wind)

Fuel Capacity-
Integra: 13.1 gallons
Vino: 1.093 gallons

Average MPG-
Integra: 25
Vino: 75

Insurance for Six Months-
Integra: $512
Vino: $88

Integra: No problem
Vino: Only if you are stupid (not legal either)

Engine Size-
Integra: 1.8 Liter or 1800cc
Vino: 0.125 Liter or 125cc

Integra: Five speed manual
Vino: One speed auto

Integra: Yes
Vino: Forget about it

Fun to Drive-
Integra: High
Vino: Cold day-Low
Warm day-Point A to B (higher then cold day)
Hot day- Driving down the 101, Glorious

Stats over two year period, 9000 miles driven

Integra: $512*4 = $2048
Vino: $88*4 = $352

Gas at $2.50-
Integra: 9000/25 = 360 gallons, 360*2.50 = $900 in gas
Vino: 9000/75 = 120 gallons, 120*2.5 = $300 in gas

Geoff G you know you want a scooter too!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Hillbilly Halloween

I was thinking the other day about what I should be on Halloween. I thought about dressing like a nerd, but that is problematic because people will make stupid comments like, “I didn’t notice you were in a costume, I thought you dressed like that everyday,” or “So, that is your costume? You look normal to me.” Then I thought about being a hillbilly. I could get some fake buckteeth or blacking out my teeth except one- the latter is more realistic. I could also talk so incomprehensible that not even an all-powerful being could understand.

This train of thought dropped me off at and interesting station. I started to think, “I wonder what hillbillies dress up as on Halloween. Do they dress up like city folk or yuppies? If they do, what do they use as there costume?”

I have made up a fictional hillbilly character to get some answers to these important questions. His name will be Cletus.

Cletus would start his costume by taking his annual shower and brushing his tooth. Next, he would shave by attaching leeches to his face and tearing them off one by one. Then he would use some deodorant that he borrowed from his redneck neighbor (rednecks are a little more civilized then hillbillies, but not by much). His shirt and pants will be the same ones he wore to his gator’s funeral. Besides, they are his only pair of clothing that is not flannel shirts and overalls.

To make his costume complete he would say special phrases like, “How is ya’ll portfolio,” or “I just went and got me a high-bread. It has one of those electric engines” and talk on his fake cell phone he wittled out of one of his pet logs.

No, maybe I don't want to be a hillbilly.

Just to clarify, Joe Dirt is a red neck and the other guy is a hillbilly.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Elder's Quorum, the most unsocial place on earth revisited

Where do I start? If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may recollect a post titled Elder’s Quorum: The most-unsocial place on earth. Since I wrote that post there have been some changes in my perspective and some change attempts in the quorum.

First, my perspective-- I believe the core social problems still exist in my quorum; it is still one of the most-unsocial places. My perspective has changed though. The quorum is only as unsocial as one makes it. For instance, I now try to talk to those who are in my general vicinity before the lesson starts. When new people are being introduced, I say welcome to them when I can. I also make comments during the lesson to give the teacher a sign that not everyone is asleep. Many of the elders sit with their heads down or they look straight ahead into oblivion. I used to teach elder’s quorum and it is like pulling teeth to get group participation so I try to help the teacher where I can. Therefore, my quorum is still the same, yet my perspective has changed because I have changed how I interact with others.

Now keep in mind that I am the kind of person who likes to know the people sitting around me whether I talk to them or not. And not knowing anyone inspired my previously mentioned post. Not everyone wants to know who is around him or her as I do, but no one wants to be alone in a sea of people, especially at church. If they did, they would not come to the quorum in the first place. Therefore, my quorum is still the most-unsocial place on earth for others but I have found a bit of social action in a barren wasteland.

As a side note, I have to mention that we also do not have any activities for the guys. It seems to be an unwritten law that if the elders got together for some activity with out their spouse and family it is unacceptable because we should be home helping. I am tired of hearing things like, “Brothers, please do your best to help the Sisters be available for (fill in this space with an activity) on Tuesday”. Just once, I want to hear the Relief Society say, “Sisters please do your best to help the Brothers be free for Thursday night (fill in this space with an activity)”. The Sisters in my ward have a book club and a recipe night. This is a double standard and I do not like it. To address this problem we’ve had two video game nights in the last month at my friend Mike’s house. Mike has almost every system under the sun. He has Nintendo, Game cube, Atari, X-box, and a few more.

Ok, now the second part of the change I have seen. There have been three attempts by a member of the presidency to get the elders to sit closer to each other. The first was right after my first post. One of my readers tipped off the Pres. to my post and the Pres. had the elders sit together for that one Sunday. The second was by one of his counselors after I mentioned to him in passing as to how unsocial the quorum is. The third was by another counselor who had the great idea of dividing the already divided quorum (figuratively and physically) into two groups to play a game. The rules were each team competed against each other to answer a scripture question. If your team won, you got to stay in your seat and the other team had to get up and sit on your side (we meet in the gym so we are spread out).

These attempts are great and I hope that a member of the presidency makes it their mission to bring the brethren together. This mission would need to be much broader then getting the elders to sit together. That is one tool but it is not the all in all. This mission should be the drive to build brotherhood among the elders. Brotherhood translates to a more spiritual group which makes better individuals.

I do not mean to sound negative about my quorum. I love my friendship with my brothers from other mothers. I also really love video game night. MORE MONKEY BALL PLEASE!
Mike W.!!! when is the next video game night?
Shawn D!! When are you getting your Wii?
Matt C.!! good luck in getting the quorum in order.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Down time

I am putting the blog on hold till early October. Life is to busy right now.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Friday, September 15, 2006

San Elijo Blasting

This video is a series of three separate blastings done outside my home. The second blast is the best one.
The blasting is to prepare the grounds for a new Albertson's. Explosions are cool!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Pictures of the week

I am in cost accounting this semester and I ordered the book on-line. The way I got my book seemed really ironic.
Cost Accounting according to wikipedia.org - Cost accounting is the process of tracking, recording and analyzing costs associated with the products or activities of an organization.
Ok, with that in mind look
at these pictures.

Now, the left picture is where I would like to direct your attention. The big brown box on the bottom of the picture is about 18 inches long and 10 inches wide. Keeping in mind that a book is just over 8&1/2 by 11, the box was a bit over kill. So to fill in the space the sender used the foam stuff. Then once you get through the first box and foam there is another box. Open that box and dig through more foam and you find the book. It just didn't look cost efficient to me.

We were at the park on Saturday. We were there at the same time some other families were so we played around them. About fifteen minutes later, the other families got up and left. It was just us and the toys. As we were playing, we found a sand bucket and started to use it to pour sand on things so my daughter could wipe it off as fast as pourd it. After my daughter got tired of playing with me I got the great idea of burying the dolphin just because I could. Here is the evidence of all my hard work. Just after the pictures were taken a car pulled up and we high tailed it out of there.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

White and Nerdy

I have noticed that there has been a lot of nerdy things around me.

1. My wife has found her secret nerd passion.
2. My favorite shirt says -Talk Dorky To Me-
3. I found a cool new song that is pretty dope, yet white and nerdy.
(Note- click on the link above to play the song)


They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking I'm so white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Can't you see I'm white and nerdy?
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy
I wanna roll with
The gangstas
But so far they all think I'm too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy.
Really really white and nerdy.

First in my class here at MIT
Got skills, I'm a champion at D&D
MC Escher - that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40, I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin, to the contrary
You'll find that they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawking's in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
Got people beggin' for my top eight spaces
Yo, I know pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at Minesweeper - I could play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed
My fingers' movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well I'm number one
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I got a soldering gun
Happy Days is my favorite theme song
I could sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in JavaScript as well as Klingon

They see me roll on
My Segway
I know in my heart they think I'm white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Can't you see I'm white and nerdy
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy
I'd like to roll with
The gangstas
Although it's apparent I'm too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy
How'd I get so white and nerdy

I've been browsin', inspectin'
X-Men comics, you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket, I must protect 'em
My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code, who do they call?
I do HTML for 'em all
Even made a homepage for my dog
Yo, I got myself a fanny pack
They were havin' a sale down at The Gap
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
Pop, pop, hope no one sees me
Gettin' freaky
I'm nerdy in the extreme
And whiter than sour cream
I was in AV Club and Glee Club and even the Chess Team
Only question I
Ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk
Or do I like Picard
Spend every weekend at the Renaissance Fair
Got my name on my underwear

They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause I'm so white and nerdy
Just because I'm white and nerdy
Just because I'm white and nerdy
All because I'm white and nerdy
Holy cow, I'm white and nerdy
I wanna bowl with
The gangstas
But, oh well, it's obvious I'm white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
Think I'm just too white and nerdy
I'm just too white and nerdy
Look at me, I'm white and nerdy

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Learn as you go part two

Every thing we know we learn at some point in our lives. There are some things we should have learned earlier but just didn’t. Here are a few more examples for your reading pleasure.

First, look at this picture. Many of you have seen this picture and know what it is. If you have never seen this picture look closely because what you see at first may not be what others see.

Now, look at the picture of the Postal Service logo, about 99.9999999999999999999% of the public will look at it and say, “Oh that is an eagle” and the discussion would be over.
Well, about two years ago if anyone asked me what that picture was I would say, “It looks like a man with a big pointy nose with his right foot forward and his left leg is gimpy and he has some white thing sticking out of his butt.” I never really paid attention to the white thing or the gimpy leg but I did think it was strange to have a guy with a huge head and a pointy nose as the logo for the United States Postal Service. Sometime later I came across this picture again and I said to myself, “Self, what the heck is that thing really? It can’t be some guy with a pointy nose, that would be retarded… wait a second, I am such a moron.” This is where I use the ball of my hand to hit my head while saying, “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

The second situation happened about three years ago when I was eating dinner at my parent’s house. I don’t remember if this was a special occasion dinner but it may have been. There is usually a lot of noise when we are together because as a whole we, the J family, have very lively personalities. Our dinner was either spaghetti and pizza or steak and fries, which are our staple family dinners. Throw in a salad into either one of those choices and we are set. After eating, I wanted to proclaim my physical satisfaction of the wonderful meal to whom ever was listening. I thought to myself, “Self, what should I say to describe my satisfaction? Let me see. How about ‘I feel stuffed!’ No, that is so old fashioned. How about ‘Me belly really big. You makum good food.’ No, to caveman-ish. How about I think of a big word—one that I never use. Oh wait I know…” Here is my prize winning phrase, “Oh man, I am famished!” Now before I go on lets take a look at what the word famished means. According to dictionary.com the word means- extremely hungry: to be famished after a hike; famished, homeless multitudes. —Synonyms See HUNGRY. My younger brother was sitting next to me when I said that and he had a strange look on his face. Keep in mind that I said this in the midst of about three conversations, so lucky for me not many people heard. My big younger brother started to laugh at me so I figured that I must have used the word wrong. For some reason I thought it was a synonym for full. I guess I was wrong.

Third and least of all. While at work about two weeks ago, I was writing a Letter of Instruction for one of our clients in which I wrote the word receipt. I spelled it reciept and since I was typing in Word the red squiggly line showed up. Therefore, I right clicked the word and the spell check came up with the correct spelling of receipt. I made a mental note that the e comes before the i. Later in the day, as I was writing a follow-up project for myself, I wrote the word receive and I noticed that receive is spelled similar to the word receipt. And all of a sudden the phrase came to me “I before E except after C.” Holy Cow! I have never seen this rule applied until this one moment. I was amazed; I could finally say I understand this rule now and I was amazed that it took me twenty-seven years to figure it out. Good Job Spencer!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Run for Fun?

My wife got an invitation in the mail a few days ago inviting her to join the leukemia foundation for a four day hike in Maui to raise money. Now this is a disease I don’t know much about nor will I explore it at this time, but there was something that caught my ear as my wife was telling me about it. I thought it was strange that this organization would get people together for four days to hike. What does hiking in Maui have to do with trying to battle the effects of leukemia? If someone came up to me and asked for my help in sponsoring them for the hike I wouldn’t be thinking about all the poor people suffering from leukemia that this would-be hike is trying to help, no I would be thinking, “Man this person has to hike for four days, that sucks. I better give them some money to help them prepare for the crapiest four days ever”. Who wants to hike for four days? (If you are a hiker, you had better move on to another blog) Furthermore, what does walking or running have to do with other sicknesses like heart disease, liver cancer, breast cancer, plumbers crack, etc? I don’t get why there are such things as walks or runs.

In elementary school, I participated in the annual Jog-a-thon where I was to go around and get sponsors. For every lap I ran/walked/crawled I would receive a set amount determined by my sponsor. The only thing I liked about this jog-o-thing is I got free orange slices and water as I ran and I got to listen to Chariots of Fire as I panted for life. Oh, sweet memories.

I guess people who do walks or runs -in this case hikes- just want to be involved besides just giving money. There is a sense of satisfaction when one is involved physically and not just monetarily. Well, if that is the case I want to be involved too! However, I don’t want to do something boring like hiking or walking. I want to do something different and exciting. Now let me see, how about…

Skating for Scurvy- I love to long-board and I know there are tons of people who skate. Think of all those people we will be helping as they cross the Atlantic, those who are running from religious oppression and want to live in peace. God bless you pilgrims, God bless you all!

Backyard Wrestling for Obesity- from what I understand, about half of Americans are over-weight and a third are obese. Everyone should be involved in this because either you or someone you know is corpulent.

Curling for World Peace- curling looks so boring that I am sure I could fall asleep while playing it and while I am asleep, I am peaceful. I can see this changing the world very quickly.

Russian Roulette for the Mentally Insane- this could only work if we use air soft guns that use very very soft air.

Cross Country Skiing for Public Nudity Awareness- Uuuuuhhhhh, Next!

Diving for Dysentery- you my not want to participate in the diving if you have dysentery, but keep in mind that this double gainer is for you my dysentery disabled friends.

Skydiving for Mad Cow Disease- two cows were in a field and one looks over at the other and says, “What is the deal with this so called mad cow disease?” and the other cow looks back and says “What do I care, I’m a helicopter”.

Shuffle Board for Scabies- a contagious skin disease occurring esp. in sheep and cattle and also in humans, caused by the itch mite, Sarcoptes scabiei, which burrows under the skin. All those old people in the senior homes are pulling for you.

Riding a Segway across America for the Manatee- as I ride my Segway across this beautiful country all I can think is “Cow of the sea. Cow of the sea”.

Leap Frogging Grizzly Bears for Rotten Foot Disease- those grizzly bears never will know what hit them. One technique I have used to keep myself from being mauled is to have a friend sit in a car with the engine running and in drive while the passenger door is wide open. The trick is to jump the bear and make it to the car before it does. Good luck.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Talk Dorky to me

There was a guy in my summer accounting class who ware a shirt that said “Talk Dorky to Me”. I thought the shirt was great. It is obviously a play off the phrase talk dirty to me, and I thought to myself, “If I was to talk dorky to someone, what would I say.” So I compiled and originated a list of phrases I would expect to hear if someone were to speak in turbo nerd.

1. No, I will not fix your computer
2. It is not that I can’t explain it… It is that you just won’t understand.
3. My mom thinks I am cool.
4. You’re just jealous because my experience points went into double digits.
5. I have a +2 broad sword and you don’t
6. Please don’t call me Steve when we are playing, call me Dungeon Master
7. Hey, you want to do some algorithms with me?
8. Haduken!
9. Blowing into the Nintendo cartridge really works.
10. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start
11. If at first you don’t succeed (ctrl-alt-delete)
13. "Hab SoSlI ‘ Quch!"= "Your mother has a smooth forehead," in Klingon
14. I have an Intel Core 2 Extreme x6800 processor with 4MB L2 Cache, 2.66GHz, 1066MHz FSB, what do you have?
15. You better back off or I’m going to go ninja all over your rear end.
16. I met my wife at opening night of Revenge of the Sith. I was and Ewok and she was a maiden from Naboo.
17. We are the knights who say, NEE!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

The English Beat

The English Beat came to my town(San Elijo Hills)and put on a good and free show. I only got about 18 minutes of the show because I ran out of film, but it worked well for me because I had to leave. I saw most of the show.
Here is my footage for your viewing pleasure. Some of the other songs they played that I didn't record were can't get use to losing you, tenderness (by General Public), and Hands off she's mine. Sweet show.

Saturday, July 29, 2006


Part II

If every country were to let loose all their nukes, all that would be left is a world of post-apocalyptic freaks and mutants… AWESOME! If I survived this nuke war, I would be free to do some crazy stuff and I would take full advantage of that situation. After the mass destruction I would first find a supply of food. Next, I would find myself a sweet ride-- you know something spine-tingling-- like a 1976 Ford Pinto. The first thing to be done with this beauty on wheels is pull out the old 2.3L four-banger and wedge in a 351 Windsor. In addition to the engine, cannons and laser guns will be added for protection and awesomeness.

While traveling through a desert land, I would stumble across an old curmudgeon with the appearance of a crazy vagabond, but deep down he is an evil genius with a sick lab. Somehow, I would convince him to modify my body to allow anything I desired to be attached at my wrists. My first attachment would be super strength metal hands for tearing phone books in half (I have always wanted to do that), catching bullets, and throwing water balloons at incredible velocities. My second attachment would be a chainsaw just to scare the kids if there are any left. I can just see myself now, cruising down the dilapidated highway with my seat way back --rolling deep-- and my chainsaw hand hanging out the window. If I wanted to, I could make a hole in the roof with my chainsaw just for the convertible feeling. After departing the crazy’s lab, I would travel across the country looking for someone, anyone who survived. When I say anyone, I am not referring to the aforementioned freaks or mutants of whom I take great pride in incinerating with my cannons and laser guns. And just my luck I would come across a city of people that have all survived the nukes and have thronged to this land and made a new society.

Being a nuke war survivor, I would have developed an attitude of distrust, hence the armored Pinto and chainsaw hand. As I enter the city, the Pinto’s defense system would be set for kill. Just ahead is a city sign that reads, “Welcome to Mormonville, The Happiest Place on Earth, I so testify.” Well La De Freakin DA, the last surviving city is filled with Utards or in other words Latter-day Saints (Mormons). I just knew they were Mormons; even with my laser scopes aimed at their foreheads, they would still wave at me.

What happened to the thugs that would try to steal my car and I would have to blow off their arms with my shotgun attachment just to keep them away? Or the villain that would try to stab me and take my wallet and I would have to tear his head off with my man hands to show him I would not stand for such nonsense? Instead of the stabbing and killing I am use to, all I get from these Mormons is, “Come out to our progressive dinner and bring your barbeque attachment so we can grill up some burgers while you play Motel in the Fiddler on the Roof play” or “Hey, do you want to come to our Elder’s quorum pinewood derby activity? You could bring you sander attachment and we could make our cars together.” To that, I would be thinking sarcastically, “Gee that would be great, I could also bring my lemon juicer and we could make lemonade just after I grind your face off with it”.

Not seeing any reason to leave Mormonville, I would have to change my attitude from killing all the Mormons to grudgingly obliging all their annoying yet nice invitations. Instead of killing as I expected to do in my post-apocalyptic world, I would be grilling with my sweet barbeque attachment. Not letting my guard completely down I would always have Guido (my car) in kill mode just in case one of those shifty eyed Normans tries anything uncouth.

If I had to chose between The Rapture (see last post) and Armageddon, I would have to pick Armageddon for the sweet super strength hands used to tear phone books in half. I could also scare off the annoying neighbor kids with my chainsaw hand. Life would be good in Mormonville, oh yes, life would be good.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Rapture or Armageddon

Part I: The Rapture

If the world were to end today, I wonder if the Christian Rapture or the Secular Armageddon would be more interesting and fun. From what I understand, born-again Christians believe that when the Rapture happens, good people will instantly be poofed up into heaven. Those who don’t qualify for the poofing will stay on earth and be forced to watch episodes of Baywatch with just David Hasselhoff as every character—sorry Pamela Anderson lovers. Armageddon for my blog purposes is compared to the Mad Max post apocalyptic world. Basically, every man and woman for him or her self.

There are many different viewpoints about the Rapture I read about on wikipedia. One excerpt from wikipedia I found to be useful for my point goes like so:

The tribulation is the period of time when those on Earth who say that they want to live life on the Earth without God, get to actually try to do this - on their own without God. The fact that they were not "raptured" into Heaven to be with God during this time period, means that they chose to stay behind, since they could have voluntarily chosen to believe God and the Bible prior to the Rapture.

This excerpt brought up two questions for me, first what happens when all those “righteous,” people are taken up, and second what will those who are left behind think about being left behind.

I ask that question of what will happen to those taken up because it seems logical that people will be doing stuff at the time of the poofing. Let’s say I was a train engineer and my train was coming up on the next station. As I was putting on the brakes for the next stop… Poof! I am gone and there is no one to stop the train. All those poor gentiles left behind will be stuck on a run away train that will eventually run out of gas or off the track. I guess they could start to pray for help, but they will be getting a busy signal for the next couple of years.

On a side note, when we are poofed will our clothes go with us or will there be a pile left behind? I have always been told that you can’t take it with you when you die, so I guess we will be naked. I had better start working out so I don’t look so bad if I happen to be poofed.

I will throw in a few more what if’s just because I can. What if I was playing the best game of golf in my entire life and I was just about to putt in for an eagle at the 18th hole which was a par 5 and… Poof! There I am in heaven--completely naked-- and with no golf club in my hand. At that point, it would be less Rapture and more Crapture.

What if I am a secularist and was in the middle of getting one of the most poignant antidotes of my life and just as the answer was coming POOF! My antidoter is gone and I am left hanging for the rest of my godless life.

For the secularist being left behind, life may be just fine for this one point. They won’t have all those annoying Christians around telling them they are going to hell for not believing. I can just hear the non-believers now, “You must be born-again and give up you sins blah blah blah! Man I got tired of hearing that crap.”

I don’t know if I had a point with all this, but it sure was fun thinking about all the what if’s. If you happen to have any what if’s you would like to share, please do.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Here we go!

The last three posts are not for the faint of heart or butt, so if you have a weak stomach or have any respect for me, you may not want to venture on. Otherwise enjoy!


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Billy Ray Cyrus in his prime.

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This dude use to be a woman.

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"Hi, I'm Bubba, and this is my brother Bubba."

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Taking a break.

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Mooning Amtrak

28th Annual Mooning of Amtrak
2nd Annual Mooning of Metrolink
All Day Saturday, July 14, 2007, Laguna Niguel, (Orange County) California, U.S.A.

*Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ's)

1. Must I "moon", or can I just watch? No, You can watch.
2. Does It get hot here in July? Yes, mid-day it is usually about 95°F (35°C) and humid.
3. Should I bring food & drink? If you wish. Mugs Away Saloon will be serving cold beverages. An outdoor vendor will be grilling hamburgers for sale and another selling souvenier event T-shirts.
4. Is there room to park my car, motorcycle or motor home? By 10am you may have to walk a few blocks. After 5pm, the crowd & cars thins out.
5. Are pets O.K. to bring? Yes, you can bring your dog, cat, snake, parrot, or iguana. Don't forget water for them.
6. I'm overweight, in fact very obese, is it O.K. if I moon? Yes yes, please "moon" with us. We need people like you for the extra high intensity mooning you can provide.
7. Can I decorate my butt? Yes, that's O.K.
8. What happens in the saloon? There are two successive bands inside the Mugs Away Saloon from Noon till closing, which is about midnight.
9. Is Amtrak associated with this? NO, Amtrak has nothing to do with this "show" except operate the trains.
10. Can the physically handicapped get around this area? Yes, a wheel-chair should work just fine. There are no stairs to climb. Close-in car parking spots may be difficult to find.

How it started: To best answer the story of the birth of the Mooning tradition, refer to the Sunday July 11, 1999 edition of The Orange County (California) Register newspaper, and the article headlined as, "Full moon over Amtrak keeps Laguna Niguel tradition alive", as follows: Twenty years ago (1979), at The Mugs Away Saloon, a K.T.Smith told his buddies he'd buy a drink for all who would run outside to the rail road tracks and "moon" the next train, which many did. The mooning tradition has prevailed, but there is no longer a volunteer to buy free drinks for thousands of "Mooners".

*Info retrieved from moonamtrak.org

My filming skills suck, but I am sure you can figure out what is happening.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

There is a squealer amongst us

A funny thing happened on Monday. I was checking out the site meter on my blog to see how many hits I received that day. Having so many dedicated fans to my blog, it is hard to keep track of all y’all. In reality, I am lucky to get one reader a day, never the less I check the meter just to see. Something that caught my eye as I looked through the list. There was a hit from someone who stayed for around 12 minutes and while they were at work of all places. This one also grabbed my attention because the company this person worked for is the same one I now work for. I am an office assistant for an independent financial adviser who uses LPL as their brokerage firm and for other reasons. Therefore, it is somewhat strange that I just got a job at a place that is affiliated with some random person reading my blog. Well, I started to dig deeper because I was curious as to who this person was. I went through my e-mail inbox to see if someone I knew had an LPL address and lo and behold, I found one. It is my Elder’s Quorum President. I think someone turned me in for speaking out against the establishment in my last post. Oh crap, I am so screwed! He is not the kind of person you want to mess with.

President if you are reading this, I meant no harm. I was only writing a satirical post just for the fun of it.

You all may be thinking, why would Spencer be afraid of his Elder’s Quorum President? Well, you don’t know what kind of man this is. He is fierce beyond description. To best describe him I came up with this list* of 10 reasons we all should be afraid of him. I will call him President U just in case it wasn’t him reading my last post.

1. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures President U has allowed to live.
2. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for President U.
3. President U doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4 Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with President U
5 If President U knew kung fu, he would sue NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6 When President U does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down
7 There is no such thing as global warming. President U was cold, so he turned the sun up.
8 President U doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
9 President U can slam a revolving door.
10 President U is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

Now that the man who I tried to stick it to has found me, what will happen now? These are the things I think will happen to me.

First, he will un-pimp my auto.
Second, I will be required to wear a pink shirt every Sunday for the next six months.
Third, my privilege of haveing home teachers will be revoked.
Fourth, a new committee will be formed called the Except Spencer Committee. The job of this group is to make sure all activities and social gatherings titles have the phrase “Except Spencer” included. Here are a few examples: The Father and Son except Spencer Camp out, the Ward except Spencer Picnic, a progressive except Spencer dinner, and The Ward Christmas except Spencer party. Other provisions are that I am to stay in the car when I drive my family to any of the said activities and if I make eye contact with anyone, I will be publicly panted.

This is what I get for expressing my opinion. I will keep my fat yapper closed next time.

*List adapted from http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Elder's Quorum, the most unsocial place on earth

My ward has a huge Elder’s Quorum and I mean big. I guess we have about 45 elders in the quorum meeting each Sunday. Being in Southern California that is good considering the cost of living out here—real estate prices aren’t exactly friendly. The main reason we have so many elders is because there are two affordable housing (low-income apartments) complexes in the ward. My complex has about 15 families and the other has over 20. Most of the people living in these apartments are young families. This adds handsomely to our ward’s Elder’s Quorum, Relief Society, and nursery.

Despite the large group of men together each Sunday, hardly any of us know each other. I don’t claim to know why my Elder’s Quorum is unsocial; I just know what I see. What I see is a whole lotta nothing!! No talking, no visiting, no smiles, just a group of guys either staring straight forward or with their heads down. I see this during priesthood when the young men and the high priests are around and through the lesson. It is almost comical at this point because as I walk into priesthood and see this sad sight, I start to imagine what could have caused such sadness. Maybe someone’s dog was run over by a tractor and then the tractor backed over it again to see what it ran over. Someone else must have found evidence that their wife is a terrorist; others must be coming to grips that the WWF is not real. Whatever the reason, my Elder’s Quorum is not a place I am excited about going to. Even with a good lesson, there is a depressing aura in the air.

One of the other funny things to me is the groups that some how migrate to each other while still not interacting. It is the birds of a feather flock together concept, even if they have nothing to talk about. There are the fathers that have baby duty. The group of guys that kind of know each other who sit in the back row with their heads down hoping to avoid eye contact with anyone. The guys who know no one and sit in the middle hoping someone will be friendly to them. And then you have those who sit in the front rows who bring their manual and eagerly answer questions. I want to point out that our meetings are in the gym making it easier for the elders to put space between each other. Oh yes, the last group is the hallway roamers. These special creatures are the ones who stay for priesthood and then leave in the first few minutes of the lesson. They make it look like they are going to the bathroom and somehow they never return. Often I wonder if they fell in the toilet and were only freed when the class was over. This rare species was made known to me by my needing to chase my daughter as she ran out the door and down the hall. In the hallway, these creatures herd together and chat while leaning against the wall and they stay there for the duration of the lesson. I think we should make a new Elder’s Quorum calling, a hallway monitor. If I had that job I would make myself a large tag that reads “Elder’s Quorum Hallway Monitor, You know what’s up. Go to class.” And when I find my prey I would say nothing, I would just walk up to the herd and stare them down while tapping my sweet tag. Like a wolf in the mists of sheep, they would run like little sissies. I could do some real clean up that way.

I am not saying that social means that these men should be chatty during the announcements and the lesson. I am saying I hope that priesthood should be a place where people acknowledge your presence in one way or another. You know like someone, anyone, saying hi to you at some point in that hour. Moreover, for goodness sake someone besides the Elder’s Quorum president should say hi to new people. I for one know a little less then half the elders and I say hi to them. I doubt other know that many. The thing that gets me most of all is that there is at least one to two empty spaces between each elder. That is the most obvious sign that people don’t know each other and don’t want to make the effort. I at least have an excuse as to why the brethren keep there space from me, I freakin stink. B.O. City here!! Population: Spencer J

Monday, June 12, 2006

Geocaching... the exercise of nerds

Here is a description of Geocaching from Wikipedia.

Geocaching, is an outdoor treasure-hunting game in which participants (called "geocachers") use a Global Positioning System receiver or other navigational techniques to hide and seek containers (called "geocaches" or "caches") anywhere in the world. A typical cache (pronounced /kæʃ/ like the English word cash) is a small waterproof container containing a logbook and "treasure" (usually toys or trinkets of little monetary value).

For the traditional geocache, a geocacher will place a waterproof container, containing a log book (with pen or pencil) and treasures, then note the cache's coordinates. These coordinates, along with other details of the location, are posted on a website (see Websites for geocaching). Other geocachers obtain the coordinates from the Internet and, using handheld GPS receivers, seek out the cache. The finding geocachers record their exploits in the logbook and online. Geocachers are free to take objects from the cache in exchange for leaving something of similar or higher value, so there is treasure for the next person to find.

Typical cache treasures aren't high in intrinsic value. Aside from the logbook, common cache contents are unusual coins or currency such as two dollar bills in the United States, small toys, ornamental buttons, CDs or books. Also common are objects that are moved from cache to cache, such as Travel Bugs or Geocoins), whose travels may be logged and followed online. Occasionally, higher value items are included in geocaches, normally reserved for the "first finder", or those locations which are harder to reach.

Geocaches can range in size from "microcaches", too small to hold anything more than a tiny paper log, to those placed in five-gallon buckets or even larger containers.
If a geocache has been vandalized or stolen, it is said to have been "muggled" or "plundered". The former term plays off the fact that those not familiar with geocaching are called "geo-muggles" or just muggles, a term borrowed from the Harry Potter series of books. If a cacher discovers that a cache has been muggled, he or she can flag the cache as needing maintenance, which sends an e-mail to the cache owner so it can either be repaired, replaced or deactivated.
Geocachers who have done the sport for awhile often recognize small things out of place that the muggle will never see, and find a geocache there even without their GPS. Geocaching is something that can take practice for the more inventive geocaches.

My home teacher, S to the Dowler, came over with his wife and ate our food. He brought with him a sweet hand held GPS device to take us on a quick geocaching adventure. The cache was stashed a week ago, so it was new to S to the D and us. We gladly accepted his offer. The cache was in our town center which is only a five minute walk from our home. His GPS system can get a cacher within 9 feet of the object at best. Once we were with in the twenty foot range we were on our own to find the prize. Leave it to my wife to find the sweet thing.

The reason I call it the exercise of nerds is because a cache could be exiled to a far off trail miles from any road. In essence, it is a global scavenger hunt for dweeb. Publicly I act not interested in such activities, but deep down I am a closet nerd yearning to go cache hunting again. Must have more!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


The great evil one has struck back. She is angry about me exposing her sinister plan and has hit where she has the most power… my brother Ian. I said in my last post that she can get power over the minds of those she gets trinkets from. There is no one else she has more trinkets from then Ian. Ian and the one went to a bon fire last night at the beach. She sent Ian into a trance making him think he got transported to a world of candy. There were lollipop trees and chocolate fountains everywhere. Just in front of him was a huge bowl of ice cream with a sign next to it that read, “Jump in, the ice cream is nice.” On the edge of the bowl was a diving board. Ian made a quick sprint and jumped right in. The bowl of ice cream was really the fire. Landing on the fire caused Ian to come out of the trance and he quickly jumped out. He sustained 2nd degree burns on his feet, but other wise he is well. The dirty fart that did this to Ian will pay dearly.

He really tried to jump over the fire and slipped, but that doesn’t make a good story.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Secret Combinations

Ok, I need to expose a secret plan to take over the family. Ian, my big younger brother, has a friend who seems to be around often and when I say often I mean a lot. I first met her at the beach around Easter. I saw her for about 7.46 minutes and that was about it. In those few minutes I found out that she had already met my brother and his family in Arizona. I think she had a wedding to go to and Ian went along. Then I found out that Ian and her went up to Utah for General Conference and stayed at my other older brother’s house while up there. On Mother’s Day she was at my parent’s house eating dinner with my family who lives here in town. This gave her yet another opportunity to meet a brother and my parents.

Today, I went surfing with my big younger brother and guess who was there? That is right, Ian and his friend. You know, up to this point I never thought twice about her meeting so many of my siblings, but that changed after I heard her say one thing to me.

As I walked up to them on the beach the first thing that came out of her mouth was, “Your sister is really nice.” It was at this point I realized something was wrong. She has met almost all my family except one brother. There are seven kids in my family and they are spread throughout Northern California, Idaho, Utah, Arizona, and San Diego. That is a lot of ground to cover if you didn’t have an ulterior motive. After hours of pondering and contemplating, I know what she is doing. I think she has been slowly collecting some article from each of the siblings for one sole purpose. She is going to work some freaky mumbo jumbo with these things and take over all of our brains. She is going to make us think our last name is SARAHSTON. I know this is a radical idea, but why else has she seen more of my siblings then I have in the last two months?

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Secret Cycle Society

The sweetest ride that anyone can ever ride is driven by moi. It is a 2004 Yamaha Vino 125 scooter.
I have wanted one of these babies since 2002 and the opportunity to get one came up around two years ago. We were expecting out first child and I was driving a 1996 Acura Integra two door and Jamie (my wife) drove a Tacoma. We needed a more practical car so we thought if we sold both of our cars we could use the money to get a scooter for me and a four door car for the family. After a few months of looking I found and bought one. This sweet beast on wheels gets 80 MPG and drives max speed of about 52 MPH. I drive about a hundred miles a week so my gas bill is astronomically less then most drivers, which is one of the main reasons for getting it. Now that you know what I drive, I will get to the point.

This is where you as the reader need to imagine I am talking to you as an anonymous informant relaying sensitive information. You may have noticed the title “Secret Cycle Society,” this is where I reveal a secret that could get me exiled from the cycle world, yet the info must come out. Ok I will whisper it to you, when someone on a motorcycle is riding in the opposite direction as you, they will wave at you. There I said it, I know it may be hard to believe, but it is true. If they don’t wave, they may give you the head nod or something of the sort.

When I first started noticing these gestures from other riders, It felt a little awkward. It is kind of like when someone you don’t know says, “Hi” to you and you return the hi accompanied with a look that says “Do I know you?” or “Why are they talking to me?” Over time I started to realize that riders greet their own. I never thought I would be greeted due to my ride being a scooter (or in other words a poser motorcycle), but I am greeted none the less. Sometimes I think the waves are in jest because of my ride, but I have no way to prove it. Ok, it may not be a secret society but it may be due to the fact that I don’t see them waving at people on horses, unicycles, elephants, bikes, skateboards, or camels.

Now there are some do’s and don’ts I have learned while trying to return the salutation. First of all, I try to avoid the head nod. I can’t see it when the other riders do it half the time, so I figure they can’t see mine. Second, don’t lift your hand up to wave. I did that the first couple of times and hit my mirror on the way up. After hitting the mirror, about a half hour of readjusting goes into putting it back in the right spot. I have found the best way to wave is to keep your thumb and palm connected to the handle bar while jetting my fingers out towards the other rider. By doing this I can keep control of the bike while giving an obvious acknowledgment. Keep in mind that I have learned all this by trial and error as I have been initiated into this secret club of motorcycle riders. This should not be attempted by any vehicle on more than two wheels.

Now remember, keep this information a secret or one of the butchy she-man biker chicks will come and flog me, so mums the word.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Happy Mother's Day

Just what every Mom wants for her special day... The Severed Heads of her children and husband pasted on the Backstreet Boys.

Mom your the "Wo"Man!!!

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Why do I bother?

Have you ever tried to give someone information and they start to act like you are trying to sell them something? Maybe I am overreacting (which I normally do), but it seems to me that I can’t give any advice or even volunteer information without the, “Don’t sell me your Amway crap,” look on their face. You know the blank when will this be over look and their response is patterned like this, “Oh, well this is how I do it…” and then they finish off with, “and it works well for me.” Even if what they just said is super retarded and completely lacking common sense, they still stick to how they do their thing.

Here is the situation that kind of sparked these thoughts in my head. I hitched a ride home with a classmate and we were chatting about this, that, and the other. We got on the topic of buying a house and I mentioned how hard it was to buy one without having a good down payment. My classmate said that he puts aside some money every paycheck and has done so for sometime. He has a good amount saved and plans to use it for that down payment we were just talking about. So, this is where I start to volunteer information, or this is where, according to them, my sales pitch starts. I told him that some banks offer savings accounts online. The accounts can be links to your existing checking account at what ever bank you have. Once they are linked the money can be transferred from bank to bank using the web site of the savings account bank. The main reason anybody would want one of these accounts is because many of them offer a 4.50% interest rate. Most banks like B of A and Washington Mutual only offer 0.40% or 0.50% for a savings account. Another sweet thing about these online accounts is that they are liquid, so you still get that great rate. Well, maybe this does sound like a sales pitch, but what do I have to gain from telling anyone about these accounts? Jack squat is what I have to gain. So, I tell my friend all this stuff, with enthusiasm I might add. I got this crappy response, “well I have the money in a 9 month CD at Bank of America earning 1.blah blah and that works well for me.” All I could think of is how stupid he sounded. Let me see, either I could get 1.70% and lock it away for 9 months or I can get 4.50% and move it when ever I want… Hmmm…now that is a hard one.

I am not looking for a praise for my good services. All I would hope for is a, "That is interesting, I might look into that." Is that to much to ask?

This example might not work for everyone, but I hope you get my point. People (including myself at times) are stuck in their own world. Change is hard, especially when it comes to finances, and often people go into auto pilot. It drives me bonkers how some people can't reach out for something better.

I don't know, maybe it’s just me.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

The things you learn in the bathroom

I walked into the bathroom and was so awe struck by this new kind of bathroom utility I almost forgot to use it.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Find out who you really are!

Get your Pirate name Here!!

My name is Captain No Beard Of the pirate ship Row Boat No. 8

Monday, April 24, 2006

Learn as you go.

There are things we learn in life that are wrong and things we should know but just don’t. It is kind of like being in a conversation with someone thinking full well you are on the same page with them, then moments later you realize, "I have no idea what this person is talking about." These moments of realization are defining for me. In this split second moment of comprehension, I see what I thought was right really was wrong. Here are a few examples of these precious (I'm a moron) moments.

I was looking out my sliding glass window and saw a backhoe in the distance, and asked my wife what it was called. I thought they were called vackos for some reason and yet in the back of my mind that didn’t seem right. She said it is a backhoe which made total sense. It has a giant hoe and it faces back word thus being called a backhoe. WOW, what a concept!!

About six months ago I found out that calick isn’t the right word for describing “A projecting tuft of hair on the head that grows in a different direction from the rest of the hair and will not lie flat.”* It is cowlick; I only realized this truth when my wife enunciated the word. Notice a common theme with my wife and words I thought I knew.

I was teaching a gospel essentials class at church with about ten people in attendance. I said some thing like “we shouldn’t do things half asked.” The real phrase is half-assed and I used it at church in front of newly baptized members and investigators. You should have seen the look on their faces. Enough of them had the “OH MY GOSH!” look that I stopped the lesson and asked what was wrong. A sister missionary asked, “Did you say what we thought you said?” I proceeded to tell them what I thought the word was and they imparted unto me the correct doctrine of my so called half-asked. The class knew it was an honest mistake and we all laughed. The truth is the only time the word ass can be used in church or home and be ok is when the scriptures are being read out loud. Try this, read Mosiah 12:5 at home or church and see what happens.

So there are a few things I should have known but just didn’t. There is one more thing I wish I knew, what does ESPN stand for? Now your turn, what are some things in your life you have learned later you should have known sooner?

*The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Friday, April 21, 2006

Hundred Dollar Bills Y'ALL!!

Have you ever had a hundred dollar bill that no one would break for you? First of all I would love to have that problem, but that is a different subject entirely (me poor). Well, let’s make up a scenario: You enter a gas station and go to buy some gas and gum by pull out your hundred and the attendant won’t take it. The attendant says “ I don’t have enough change for that,” so you have to put it back in your wallet and with an annoyed look and tone you say ”Do you take card?” Of course you knew they took card, but in your annoyance you lashed out with a rhetorical question. You then go out for a bite to eat at a fast food restaurant. You place your order and pull out the same one hundred bill that was so rudely rejected by the gas attendant a short time before and to your surprise the fast food worker points to a sigh reading “NO BILLS OVER 20 ACCEPTED”. You say to yourself in frustration, “Don’t these people want my money?”

Well I am here to answer for them, NO!! Keep your stupid one hundred dollar bill and get something smaller. I worked at Kragen Auto Parts for two and a half years, and I would often be the opening cashier with a limited amount of cash. The first customer of the day would inevitably have a hundred to buy something inexpensive like an air freshener. Depending on how I felt that morning I would react in one of two ways. First, I would give then all my change and pray the next few customers would have smaller bills. Second, I would tell them I didn’t have change for a bill that large hoping they would decide to use a card. Instead of what I hoped, they would often reply, “This is all I have.” That ment I would have to go back to option one. Sometimes my first option was already used and I would have to call over a manager. The manager would have to walk the distance of the whole store just to open the safe to make change for the purchase of a stupid air freshener.

Those customers were the bane of my life. I would be happier to have my car get hit by a dump truck then to have to deal with another customer bring in a hundred during the morning. I know that to be true because my car was hit by a dump truck while I worked there and I was in a pretty good mood.

I am currently working at a bank where I have a supply of all the bills I need. My bank customers sometimes complain about how no place will take their money. I often want to explain to them from the workers point of view why that is, but I don’t because most of them are old and don’t want to hear it from some young whipper snapper.

So what side are you on? Do you sympathize with the Hundred Dollar Bills Y’ALL people or with the everyday worker trying to maintain a drawer?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Get out of your freakin' car!!

There are a few things in this world that drive me crazy. Nuts in brownies, nuts in cookies, nuts in banana nut bread (should just be banana bread), and the loud continuous typing noise coming from my wife’s fingers (at this very moment) as she types away at 100 wpm or close to that. The worst of them all are the nuts in their cars who insist on using their horn instead of their legs to draw someone from their home.You know the ones: they honk, and then honk again ten seconds later because they think ten seconds is long enough for someone to get out of their house.

I also am vicariously annoyed by the honking for my neighbors because I know there are about fifty or more of them in the horn’s sound range. To top it all off, the honking is usually done in the early morning when everyone is awake and no one dare sleep in to disrupt the use of the precious horn. Oh yes one more thing, the courteous genius honking the horn is often found double parked to stay in the ready position for immediate take off once the honkee enters the car (no race comment intended). The open spot just twenty feet ahead of the honker is too far away and would disrupt the take off position. If they would just park their vehicle in one of the many open spots and get out of their car, all would be right.

If I were to take action against those socially disabled honkers, here’s what I would do. I’d pull up next to the honker on my scooter and triple park. Then I’d sound off an air horn in the opposite direction of the SUV or car and start yelling “Stiney get out here!”, and just for fun I would add in, “Don’t forget to bring grandpa’s hemorrhoid donut!”. Oh Man, that would be awesome… I don’t think this is any real type of revenge, but it sure would make me feel better. So here is my question for you, if you could retaliate in some way to these gross offenders, what would you do?