Sunday, April 30, 2006

Un-Pimp the Auto,Yeahhhh


Thursday, April 27, 2006

The things you learn in the bathroom

I walked into the bathroom and was so awe struck by this new kind of bathroom utility I almost forgot to use it.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Find out who you really are!

Get your Pirate name Here!!

My name is Captain No Beard Of the pirate ship Row Boat No. 8

Monday, April 24, 2006

Learn as you go.

There are things we learn in life that are wrong and things we should know but just don’t. It is kind of like being in a conversation with someone thinking full well you are on the same page with them, then moments later you realize, "I have no idea what this person is talking about." These moments of realization are defining for me. In this split second moment of comprehension, I see what I thought was right really was wrong. Here are a few examples of these precious (I'm a moron) moments.

I was looking out my sliding glass window and saw a backhoe in the distance, and asked my wife what it was called. I thought they were called vackos for some reason and yet in the back of my mind that didn’t seem right. She said it is a backhoe which made total sense. It has a giant hoe and it faces back word thus being called a backhoe. WOW, what a concept!!

About six months ago I found out that calick isn’t the right word for describing “A projecting tuft of hair on the head that grows in a different direction from the rest of the hair and will not lie flat.”* It is cowlick; I only realized this truth when my wife enunciated the word. Notice a common theme with my wife and words I thought I knew.

I was teaching a gospel essentials class at church with about ten people in attendance. I said some thing like “we shouldn’t do things half asked.” The real phrase is half-assed and I used it at church in front of newly baptized members and investigators. You should have seen the look on their faces. Enough of them had the “OH MY GOSH!” look that I stopped the lesson and asked what was wrong. A sister missionary asked, “Did you say what we thought you said?” I proceeded to tell them what I thought the word was and they imparted unto me the correct doctrine of my so called half-asked. The class knew it was an honest mistake and we all laughed. The truth is the only time the word ass can be used in church or home and be ok is when the scriptures are being read out loud. Try this, read Mosiah 12:5 at home or church and see what happens.

So there are a few things I should have known but just didn’t. There is one more thing I wish I knew, what does ESPN stand for? Now your turn, what are some things in your life you have learned later you should have known sooner?

*The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Friday, April 21, 2006

Hundred Dollar Bills Y'ALL!!

Have you ever had a hundred dollar bill that no one would break for you? First of all I would love to have that problem, but that is a different subject entirely (me poor). Well, let’s make up a scenario: You enter a gas station and go to buy some gas and gum by pull out your hundred and the attendant won’t take it. The attendant says “ I don’t have enough change for that,” so you have to put it back in your wallet and with an annoyed look and tone you say ”Do you take card?” Of course you knew they took card, but in your annoyance you lashed out with a rhetorical question. You then go out for a bite to eat at a fast food restaurant. You place your order and pull out the same one hundred bill that was so rudely rejected by the gas attendant a short time before and to your surprise the fast food worker points to a sigh reading “NO BILLS OVER 20 ACCEPTED”. You say to yourself in frustration, “Don’t these people want my money?”

Well I am here to answer for them, NO!! Keep your stupid one hundred dollar bill and get something smaller. I worked at Kragen Auto Parts for two and a half years, and I would often be the opening cashier with a limited amount of cash. The first customer of the day would inevitably have a hundred to buy something inexpensive like an air freshener. Depending on how I felt that morning I would react in one of two ways. First, I would give then all my change and pray the next few customers would have smaller bills. Second, I would tell them I didn’t have change for a bill that large hoping they would decide to use a card. Instead of what I hoped, they would often reply, “This is all I have.” That ment I would have to go back to option one. Sometimes my first option was already used and I would have to call over a manager. The manager would have to walk the distance of the whole store just to open the safe to make change for the purchase of a stupid air freshener.

Those customers were the bane of my life. I would be happier to have my car get hit by a dump truck then to have to deal with another customer bring in a hundred during the morning. I know that to be true because my car was hit by a dump truck while I worked there and I was in a pretty good mood.

I am currently working at a bank where I have a supply of all the bills I need. My bank customers sometimes complain about how no place will take their money. I often want to explain to them from the workers point of view why that is, but I don’t because most of them are old and don’t want to hear it from some young whipper snapper.

So what side are you on? Do you sympathize with the Hundred Dollar Bills Y’ALL people or with the everyday worker trying to maintain a drawer?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Get out of your freakin' car!!

There are a few things in this world that drive me crazy. Nuts in brownies, nuts in cookies, nuts in banana nut bread (should just be banana bread), and the loud continuous typing noise coming from my wife’s fingers (at this very moment) as she types away at 100 wpm or close to that. The worst of them all are the nuts in their cars who insist on using their horn instead of their legs to draw someone from their home.You know the ones: they honk, and then honk again ten seconds later because they think ten seconds is long enough for someone to get out of their house.

I also am vicariously annoyed by the honking for my neighbors because I know there are about fifty or more of them in the horn’s sound range. To top it all off, the honking is usually done in the early morning when everyone is awake and no one dare sleep in to disrupt the use of the precious horn. Oh yes one more thing, the courteous genius honking the horn is often found double parked to stay in the ready position for immediate take off once the honkee enters the car (no race comment intended). The open spot just twenty feet ahead of the honker is too far away and would disrupt the take off position. If they would just park their vehicle in one of the many open spots and get out of their car, all would be right.

If I were to take action against those socially disabled honkers, here’s what I would do. I’d pull up next to the honker on my scooter and triple park. Then I’d sound off an air horn in the opposite direction of the SUV or car and start yelling “Stiney get out here!”, and just for fun I would add in, “Don’t forget to bring grandpa’s hemorrhoid donut!”. Oh Man, that would be awesome… I don’t think this is any real type of revenge, but it sure would make me feel better. So here is my question for you, if you could retaliate in some way to these gross offenders, what would you do?