Thursday, June 22, 2006

There is a squealer amongst us

A funny thing happened on Monday. I was checking out the site meter on my blog to see how many hits I received that day. Having so many dedicated fans to my blog, it is hard to keep track of all y’all. In reality, I am lucky to get one reader a day, never the less I check the meter just to see. Something that caught my eye as I looked through the list. There was a hit from someone who stayed for around 12 minutes and while they were at work of all places. This one also grabbed my attention because the company this person worked for is the same one I now work for. I am an office assistant for an independent financial adviser who uses LPL as their brokerage firm and for other reasons. Therefore, it is somewhat strange that I just got a job at a place that is affiliated with some random person reading my blog. Well, I started to dig deeper because I was curious as to who this person was. I went through my e-mail inbox to see if someone I knew had an LPL address and lo and behold, I found one. It is my Elder’s Quorum President. I think someone turned me in for speaking out against the establishment in my last post. Oh crap, I am so screwed! He is not the kind of person you want to mess with.

President if you are reading this, I meant no harm. I was only writing a satirical post just for the fun of it.

You all may be thinking, why would Spencer be afraid of his Elder’s Quorum President? Well, you don’t know what kind of man this is. He is fierce beyond description. To best describe him I came up with this list* of 10 reasons we all should be afraid of him. I will call him President U just in case it wasn’t him reading my last post.

1. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures President U has allowed to live.
2. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for President U.
3. President U doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
4 Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with President U
5 If President U knew kung fu, he would sue NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6 When President U does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down
7 There is no such thing as global warming. President U was cold, so he turned the sun up.
8 President U doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
9 President U can slam a revolving door.
10 President U is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head

Now that the man who I tried to stick it to has found me, what will happen now? These are the things I think will happen to me.

First, he will un-pimp my auto.
Second, I will be required to wear a pink shirt every Sunday for the next six months.
Third, my privilege of haveing home teachers will be revoked.
Fourth, a new committee will be formed called the Except Spencer Committee. The job of this group is to make sure all activities and social gatherings titles have the phrase “Except Spencer” included. Here are a few examples: The Father and Son except Spencer Camp out, the Ward except Spencer Picnic, a progressive except Spencer dinner, and The Ward Christmas except Spencer party. Other provisions are that I am to stay in the car when I drive my family to any of the said activities and if I make eye contact with anyone, I will be publicly panted.

This is what I get for expressing my opinion. I will keep my fat yapper closed next time.

*List adapted from


Mama Duck said...

Ha ha ha ha, that's just great. Now you are in for it, eh??

Kristen J said...

You are hillarious Spencer. I honestly think you should write and become the next Dave Barry.

One problem: It's not panted, it's "pantsed".