Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Learn as you go part two

Every thing we know we learn at some point in our lives. There are some things we should have learned earlier but just didn’t. Here are a few more examples for your reading pleasure.


First, look at this picture. Many of you have seen this picture and know what it is. If you have never seen this picture look closely because what you see at first may not be what others see.




Now, look at the picture of the Postal Service logo, about 99.9999999999999999999% of the public will look at it and say, “Oh that is an eagle” and the discussion would be over.
Well, about two years ago if anyone asked me what that picture was I would say, “It looks like a man with a big pointy nose with his right foot forward and his left leg is gimpy and he has some white thing sticking out of his butt.” I never really paid attention to the white thing or the gimpy leg but I did think it was strange to have a guy with a huge head and a pointy nose as the logo for the United States Postal Service. Sometime later I came across this picture again and I said to myself, “Self, what the heck is that thing really? It can’t be some guy with a pointy nose, that would be retarded… wait a second, I am such a moron.” This is where I use the ball of my hand to hit my head while saying, “Stupid, stupid, stupid.”

The second situation happened about three years ago when I was eating dinner at my parent’s house. I don’t remember if this was a special occasion dinner but it may have been. There is usually a lot of noise when we are together because as a whole we, the J family, have very lively personalities. Our dinner was either spaghetti and pizza or steak and fries, which are our staple family dinners. Throw in a salad into either one of those choices and we are set. After eating, I wanted to proclaim my physical satisfaction of the wonderful meal to whom ever was listening. I thought to myself, “Self, what should I say to describe my satisfaction? Let me see. How about ‘I feel stuffed!’ No, that is so old fashioned. How about ‘Me belly really big. You makum good food.’ No, to caveman-ish. How about I think of a big word—one that I never use. Oh wait I know…” Here is my prize winning phrase, “Oh man, I am famished!” Now before I go on lets take a look at what the word famished means. According to dictionary.com the word means- extremely hungry: to be famished after a hike; famished, homeless multitudes. —Synonyms See HUNGRY. My younger brother was sitting next to me when I said that and he had a strange look on his face. Keep in mind that I said this in the midst of about three conversations, so lucky for me not many people heard. My big younger brother started to laugh at me so I figured that I must have used the word wrong. For some reason I thought it was a synonym for full. I guess I was wrong.

Third and least of all. While at work about two weeks ago, I was writing a Letter of Instruction for one of our clients in which I wrote the word receipt. I spelled it reciept and since I was typing in Word the red squiggly line showed up. Therefore, I right clicked the word and the spell check came up with the correct spelling of receipt. I made a mental note that the e comes before the i. Later in the day, as I was writing a follow-up project for myself, I wrote the word receive and I noticed that receive is spelled similar to the word receipt. And all of a sudden the phrase came to me “I before E except after C.” Holy Cow! I have never seen this rule applied until this one moment. I was amazed; I could finally say I understand this rule now and I was amazed that it took me twenty-seven years to figure it out. Good Job Spencer!

Monday, August 28, 2006

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Run for Fun?

My wife got an invitation in the mail a few days ago inviting her to join the leukemia foundation for a four day hike in Maui to raise money. Now this is a disease I don’t know much about nor will I explore it at this time, but there was something that caught my ear as my wife was telling me about it. I thought it was strange that this organization would get people together for four days to hike. What does hiking in Maui have to do with trying to battle the effects of leukemia? If someone came up to me and asked for my help in sponsoring them for the hike I wouldn’t be thinking about all the poor people suffering from leukemia that this would-be hike is trying to help, no I would be thinking, “Man this person has to hike for four days, that sucks. I better give them some money to help them prepare for the crapiest four days ever”. Who wants to hike for four days? (If you are a hiker, you had better move on to another blog) Furthermore, what does walking or running have to do with other sicknesses like heart disease, liver cancer, breast cancer, plumbers crack, etc? I don’t get why there are such things as walks or runs.

In elementary school, I participated in the annual Jog-a-thon where I was to go around and get sponsors. For every lap I ran/walked/crawled I would receive a set amount determined by my sponsor. The only thing I liked about this jog-o-thing is I got free orange slices and water as I ran and I got to listen to Chariots of Fire as I panted for life. Oh, sweet memories.

I guess people who do walks or runs -in this case hikes- just want to be involved besides just giving money. There is a sense of satisfaction when one is involved physically and not just monetarily. Well, if that is the case I want to be involved too! However, I don’t want to do something boring like hiking or walking. I want to do something different and exciting. Now let me see, how about…

Skating for Scurvy- I love to long-board and I know there are tons of people who skate. Think of all those people we will be helping as they cross the Atlantic, those who are running from religious oppression and want to live in peace. God bless you pilgrims, God bless you all!

Backyard Wrestling for Obesity- from what I understand, about half of Americans are over-weight and a third are obese. Everyone should be involved in this because either you or someone you know is corpulent.

Curling for World Peace- curling looks so boring that I am sure I could fall asleep while playing it and while I am asleep, I am peaceful. I can see this changing the world very quickly.

Russian Roulette for the Mentally Insane- this could only work if we use air soft guns that use very very soft air.

Cross Country Skiing for Public Nudity Awareness- Uuuuuhhhhh, Next!

Diving for Dysentery- you my not want to participate in the diving if you have dysentery, but keep in mind that this double gainer is for you my dysentery disabled friends.

Skydiving for Mad Cow Disease- two cows were in a field and one looks over at the other and says, “What is the deal with this so called mad cow disease?” and the other cow looks back and says “What do I care, I’m a helicopter”.

Shuffle Board for Scabies- a contagious skin disease occurring esp. in sheep and cattle and also in humans, caused by the itch mite, Sarcoptes scabiei, which burrows under the skin. All those old people in the senior homes are pulling for you.


Riding a Segway across America for the Manatee- as I ride my Segway across this beautiful country all I can think is “Cow of the sea. Cow of the sea”.

Leap Frogging Grizzly Bears for Rotten Foot Disease- those grizzly bears never will know what hit them. One technique I have used to keep myself from being mauled is to have a friend sit in a car with the engine running and in drive while the passenger door is wide open. The trick is to jump the bear and make it to the car before it does. Good luck.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Talk Dorky to me

There was a guy in my summer accounting class who ware a shirt that said “Talk Dorky to Me”. I thought the shirt was great. It is obviously a play off the phrase talk dirty to me, and I thought to myself, “If I was to talk dorky to someone, what would I say.” So I compiled and originated a list of phrases I would expect to hear if someone were to speak in turbo nerd.

1. No, I will not fix your computer
2. It is not that I can’t explain it… It is that you just won’t understand.
3. My mom thinks I am cool.
4. You’re just jealous because my experience points went into double digits.
5. I have a +2 broad sword and you don’t
6. Please don’t call me Steve when we are playing, call me Dungeon Master
7. Hey, you want to do some algorithms with me?
8. Haduken!
9. Blowing into the Nintendo cartridge really works.
10. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start
11. If at first you don’t succeed (ctrl-alt-delete)
12. LOL, IRL, DW or DH, JK, ROTFL, LMBO, BTW, BRB, BTDT, FWIW, IMO, HTH, ITA, KWIM, TMI, WTG, OMG.
13. "Hab SoSlI ‘ Quch!"= "Your mother has a smooth forehead," in Klingon
14. I have an Intel Core 2 Extreme x6800 processor with 4MB L2 Cache, 2.66GHz, 1066MHz FSB, what do you have?
15. You better back off or I’m going to go ninja all over your rear end.
16. I met my wife at opening night of Revenge of the Sith. I was and Ewok and she was a maiden from Naboo.
17. We are the knights who say, NEE!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

The English Beat

The English Beat came to my town(San Elijo Hills)and put on a good and free show. I only got about 18 minutes of the show because I ran out of film, but it worked well for me because I had to leave. I saw most of the show.
Here is my footage for your viewing pleasure. Some of the other songs they played that I didn't record were can't get use to losing you, tenderness (by General Public), and Hands off she's mine. Sweet show.







Saturday, July 29, 2006

Armageddon

Part II

If every country were to let loose all their nukes, all that would be left is a world of post-apocalyptic freaks and mutants… AWESOME! If I survived this nuke war, I would be free to do some crazy stuff and I would take full advantage of that situation. After the mass destruction I would first find a supply of food. Next, I would find myself a sweet ride-- you know something spine-tingling-- like a 1976 Ford Pinto. The first thing to be done with this beauty on wheels is pull out the old 2.3L four-banger and wedge in a 351 Windsor. In addition to the engine, cannons and laser guns will be added for protection and awesomeness.

While traveling through a desert land, I would stumble across an old curmudgeon with the appearance of a crazy vagabond, but deep down he is an evil genius with a sick lab. Somehow, I would convince him to modify my body to allow anything I desired to be attached at my wrists. My first attachment would be super strength metal hands for tearing phone books in half (I have always wanted to do that), catching bullets, and throwing water balloons at incredible velocities. My second attachment would be a chainsaw just to scare the kids if there are any left. I can just see myself now, cruising down the dilapidated highway with my seat way back --rolling deep-- and my chainsaw hand hanging out the window. If I wanted to, I could make a hole in the roof with my chainsaw just for the convertible feeling. After departing the crazy’s lab, I would travel across the country looking for someone, anyone who survived. When I say anyone, I am not referring to the aforementioned freaks or mutants of whom I take great pride in incinerating with my cannons and laser guns. And just my luck I would come across a city of people that have all survived the nukes and have thronged to this land and made a new society.

Being a nuke war survivor, I would have developed an attitude of distrust, hence the armored Pinto and chainsaw hand. As I enter the city, the Pinto’s defense system would be set for kill. Just ahead is a city sign that reads, “Welcome to Mormonville, The Happiest Place on Earth, I so testify.” Well La De Freakin DA, the last surviving city is filled with Utards or in other words Latter-day Saints (Mormons). I just knew they were Mormons; even with my laser scopes aimed at their foreheads, they would still wave at me.

What happened to the thugs that would try to steal my car and I would have to blow off their arms with my shotgun attachment just to keep them away? Or the villain that would try to stab me and take my wallet and I would have to tear his head off with my man hands to show him I would not stand for such nonsense? Instead of the stabbing and killing I am use to, all I get from these Mormons is, “Come out to our progressive dinner and bring your barbeque attachment so we can grill up some burgers while you play Motel in the Fiddler on the Roof play” or “Hey, do you want to come to our Elder’s quorum pinewood derby activity? You could bring you sander attachment and we could make our cars together.” To that, I would be thinking sarcastically, “Gee that would be great, I could also bring my lemon juicer and we could make lemonade just after I grind your face off with it”.

Not seeing any reason to leave Mormonville, I would have to change my attitude from killing all the Mormons to grudgingly obliging all their annoying yet nice invitations. Instead of killing as I expected to do in my post-apocalyptic world, I would be grilling with my sweet barbeque attachment. Not letting my guard completely down I would always have Guido (my car) in kill mode just in case one of those shifty eyed Normans tries anything uncouth.

If I had to chose between The Rapture (see last post) and Armageddon, I would have to pick Armageddon for the sweet super strength hands used to tear phone books in half. I could also scare off the annoying neighbor kids with my chainsaw hand. Life would be good in Mormonville, oh yes, life would be good.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Rapture or Armageddon

Part I: The Rapture

If the world were to end today, I wonder if the Christian Rapture or the Secular Armageddon would be more interesting and fun. From what I understand, born-again Christians believe that when the Rapture happens, good people will instantly be poofed up into heaven. Those who don’t qualify for the poofing will stay on earth and be forced to watch episodes of Baywatch with just David Hasselhoff as every character—sorry Pamela Anderson lovers. Armageddon for my blog purposes is compared to the Mad Max post apocalyptic world. Basically, every man and woman for him or her self.

There are many different viewpoints about the Rapture I read about on wikipedia. One excerpt from wikipedia I found to be useful for my point goes like so:

The tribulation is the period of time when those on Earth who say that they want to live life on the Earth without God, get to actually try to do this - on their own without God. The fact that they were not "raptured" into Heaven to be with God during this time period, means that they chose to stay behind, since they could have voluntarily chosen to believe God and the Bible prior to the Rapture.

This excerpt brought up two questions for me, first what happens when all those “righteous,” people are taken up, and second what will those who are left behind think about being left behind.

I ask that question of what will happen to those taken up because it seems logical that people will be doing stuff at the time of the poofing. Let’s say I was a train engineer and my train was coming up on the next station. As I was putting on the brakes for the next stop… Poof! I am gone and there is no one to stop the train. All those poor gentiles left behind will be stuck on a run away train that will eventually run out of gas or off the track. I guess they could start to pray for help, but they will be getting a busy signal for the next couple of years.

On a side note, when we are poofed will our clothes go with us or will there be a pile left behind? I have always been told that you can’t take it with you when you die, so I guess we will be naked. I had better start working out so I don’t look so bad if I happen to be poofed.

I will throw in a few more what if’s just because I can. What if I was playing the best game of golf in my entire life and I was just about to putt in for an eagle at the 18th hole which was a par 5 and… Poof! There I am in heaven--completely naked-- and with no golf club in my hand. At that point, it would be less Rapture and more Crapture.

What if I am a secularist and was in the middle of getting one of the most poignant antidotes of my life and just as the answer was coming POOF! My antidoter is gone and I am left hanging for the rest of my godless life.

For the secularist being left behind, life may be just fine for this one point. They won’t have all those annoying Christians around telling them they are going to hell for not believing. I can just hear the non-believers now, “You must be born-again and give up you sins blah blah blah! Man I got tired of hearing that crap.”

I don’t know if I had a point with all this, but it sure was fun thinking about all the what if’s. If you happen to have any what if’s you would like to share, please do.